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Wednesday, September 22, 2004

In which I reveal a secret

Sounds mysterious, doesn’t it? But no, I’m not a man, baby. Nor am I a vampire, a pirate or a mind-controlled secret agent (although if I was a mind-controlled secret agent, would I know it? Food for thought.)

However, I have decided to start talking about something I haven’t discussed here before. For over a year now, I’ve been trying to get pregnant, with no success. It’s not something I talk about with, well, anyone. Ever. John and I don’t even talk about it much. It’s as if talking about me not getting pregnant might mean there’s a problem. And maybe there is – I don’t know. I’m sure as hell not pregnant yet.

But I know not talking about it is not healthy for me. Today, we found out John’s sister is pregnant with her second child, which, I have to admit, I already suspected. And instead of being happy for her like I should have been, I was jealous. It’s unfair, I thought. She got married six weeks before we did, and she’s going to have two children before we even have one.

And that is NOT the kind of person I am. I will not become one of those people who can’t be happy when something good happens to someone else. So, instead of pretending that there’s nothing going on, I’m going to talk about my frustrations and my worries and my hopes about this whole trying to conceive process. I’m putting the infertility blogs I read on my blogroll. It’s not the only topic I’m going to write about, of course, but I’m hopeful that posting about this openly will keep me from turning into some horrible, bitter person who can’t feel joy for others.

That’s it. Not a very juicy or fun secret. But one I think it is important for me to let out of the bag.