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Tuesday, October 19, 2004

It doesn’t take much

I had a decent time of it in high school. I wasn’t one of the in crowd, but I had an awesome group of friends and was very busy dressing in black, being a punk rock rebel and not wanting to be a cheerleader or whatever, so I didn’t really care about not being popular. That’s not to say I didn’t have problems, because yeesh, who doesn’t have problems in high school? The teenage years are not easy. Plus, I was punk rock, so, you know, I was sooo misunderstood.

Middle school was my time of trauma. I went to a very small school from kindergarten through 8th grade. Kids came and went, but it was mostly the same group in my class the whole time. When we started sixth grade, I got a nasty shock. People who had been my friends for years thought I wasn’t cool anymore. And I can admit it…I was a mess. I had braces. I wore glasses. I got boobs and zits before everyone else. I had no idea what to do with my hair – my mom made me shower at night, and curly hair really, really needs to be washed after you sleep on it. Really. And worst of all, I was smart. It had never been a problem before. We used to have contests to see who could get through the SRA reading kits the fastest. But all of the sudden people were looking down on me for doing my homework and getting good grades. My archenemy Minda told people I didn’t know the names of the members of Duran Duran, even though I did. I was crushed that anyone would believe I was that uncool. Crushed! I wasn’t completely friendless, but I did spend a lot of time feeling like a loser.

And I guess you never completely shake off the shame of the loser label. It certainly doesn’t take much to send my right back to those days. Today, while I was talking in a meeting, two people were whispering, laughing and writing notes. Now, they probably weren’t talking about me. I didn’t say anything stupid, and I wasn’t really talking about anything mockable, but still... And then I noticed I got de-blogrolled off a blog I like (translation: I thought your blog was cool, but now I’ve decided you’re lame and boring) and I was right back to feeling like that pimply, four-eyed, messy-haired, brace-face little girl wondering where her friends went.

Being punk rock and not caring was better. So, meeting people? Nameless blogger? I am totally sneering in your general direction. Now I’m going to go stomp around like I’m wearing combat boots. I’m sure I’ll be feeling better in no time.