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Wednesday, December 01, 2004

My teeth are evil and I hate them

And judging by their behavior, they hate me right back.

I would like to begin this post with a disclaimer. I am not some disgusting person who does not take proper care of her teeth. I brush and floss religiously. I just have bad teeth. If I ever wind up on a deserted island, I’ll be knocking a tooth out with an ice skate, just like Tom Hanks in Castaway.

So today, I went to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned. And learned that I have SEVEN cavities. Seven. That doesn’t seem fair to me.

Two of these cavities are in spots where the glue from my braces did damage. Everyone knew they would get cavities someday. Three of the cavities are old fillings that need to be replaced. One cavity is a brand-new one that caused the dentist to say “You haven’t had any pain from this tooth at all? Really?” They think it will take TWO HOURS to fix. Guess how I’m spending my Friday afternoon? And to make it even better, the dentist told me she might decide they need to do a root canal and a crown once they get in there.

And then we come to cavity number seven. This fucker is the Darth Vader of teeth – pure evil. It was filled seven years ago, in one of the worst dental experiences of my life. Three years ago it got abscessed and I had to have a root canal. And then a crown lengthening and a crown, which was extremely painful and expensive. Do you know what a crown lengthening is? Let me tell you what it is not. It is not where you go to the periodontist and they build something on to your tooth to make it easier to attach the crown. That’s what I thought they were going to do when I went in to have that procedure done. Sadly, I was wrong.

Anyway, Darth Vader is acting up again, or so they tell me. According to my x-rays, at’s like a volcano preparing to erupt. I could get another root canal, crown lengthening and crown, but there's no guarantee that will do the trick (the dentist referred to this as taking “heroic measures to save the tooth." I find it amusing to hear that phrase used in reference to a tooth. In mind, it conjures up images of people cracking my chest open to jump start my heart while pushing me through a hallway at top speed on a gurney or something.) I could just ignore the problem, but the tooth will keep deteriorating. No matter what I do, eventually I will have to have the tooth pulled,at which time I can get a titanium tooth implant. Apparently I am very lucky that they have this whole titanium tooth technology now. Yeah, you just told me I have seven cavities and probably need two root canals. And then you will screw a titanium tooth in to my jaw. Lucky is exactly what I am feeling.