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Thursday, March 31, 2005


• I owe all of you huge thank-yous. The comments, emails and in Laila’s case, phone call and shopping therapy plan, that I received in response to my last post were wonderful. Your support gave me the boost I desperately needed. For now, I’m just going to focus on the diagnostics, and try not to freak out so much about what comes next. So, thank you. You all rock!

• Speaking of infertility, ancient Chinese wisdom may hold the answer to my problems. I went out dinner with my friend Becky on Tuesday night and got this fortune “You are a happy man.” Now there’s an angle we hadn’t considered – that I’m actually a man, baby.

• The house I liked so much sold. Sigh. The good news is another house on the same street just went on the market. We’re going to go see it tomorrow at lunch time, along with two others in the same basic area. It’s nerve wracking, but exciting too.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!


Monday, March 28, 2005

Stuck at denial and anger

There are these stages of grief that people go through when they get bad news. They are denial, anger, bargaining and acceptance. I think there might be one more, but I can’t remember what it is right now. Ok, I just checked (thank you, Google), and the missing stage is depression. Hey, I’ve got that one covered too! Anyway, I had my third visit with the fertility specialist today. I hadn’t wanted to go to a specialist. I kept putting it off, thinking, well, we didn’t time things right at first because I didn’t know that I ovulate late (true) and besides that, I don’t ovulate every single month (also true) and maybe this month, this time, I’ll get pregnant (sadly, not true). But my friends kept urging me to go. At least you’ll know if something is wrong, they said. And after the first visit, I did feel good. I felt like I was taking action – doing something to make this whole baby thing happen.

But after that something changed. And this where the denial comes in, I guess. I had it in my head that I’d go in there and she’d say “Oh, you’ll be fine. Here, have some Clomid.” I was even prepared for something along the lines of “Hey tubby, why don’t you try losing 20 lbs. You’ll have much better luck.” But instead it’s all “did anyone ever mention you might have uterine fibroids” and “I’m concerned about your right ovary” and test after test after test and I hate every fucking minute of it. When she says I’m a good candidate for IUI, I just want to cry. Or possibly scream. It’s all moving so fast, and part of me just wants to stop. To say never mind, and simply go back to having sex each month and hoping for the best.

And then I wonder, what the hell is wrong with me? I desperately want to have children, so why am I so reluctant to do all of this? Why do I resent having to go to the doctor and doing some tests? My husband (usually the negative one in the marriage) can look at it and say, just keep in mind that there’s a baby at the end of all of this. Why can’t I do that? In the end, I suppose it comes down to this: Some part of me still hopes I’ll get to have sex with my husband and get pregnant, just like a normal person. And the rest of me is pissed off that it might not/probably won’t happen that way.


Sunday, March 27, 2005

The search goes on

We went out with our realtor for the first time yesterday to look at houses. Easter weekend isn’t a great time to go looking – there just isn’t that much for sale right now. I had picked five places I wanted to see, but unfortunately one of them listed and sold in one day, so we only got to see four. Two of them were in Montgomery County where we currently live. Sadly, these houses were completely unacceptable. (That sound you hear is John saying “I told you the houses in Germantown would be crap!”) Which he did, but I thought maybe we could find something decent in our price range. And if we hadn’t gone to check these two out, not only would I have always wondered if we could have found a place closer in…we also would have missed seeing the place where the woman had a topless photo of herself displayed in the bedroom. Now that’s classy. I actually felt bad for her realtor, because the place looked as if it might collapse or spontaneously burst into flames at any second.

Anyway, after that experience, I can definitely say we’re headed for Frederick County – a little bit of an adjustment for someone who grew up making fun of “Frednecks,” but the houses out there are soooo much better. The first place we checked out in Frederick was the Harley house. This guy had Harley everything, up to and including a Harley cookie jar. The place was ok, but it just wasn’t what we wanted.

And then we went to the house. It is in the neighborhood we had identified as our number one choice. I loved it. John loved it. Even the realtor seemed impressed. 3 good-sized bedrooms, a huge kitchen, a really nice deck, a fenced-in back yard and a fireplace! It even backs up to a park. It’s not perfect – there’s a shed in the back yard that we don’t really want, the fridge is kind of crappy and the woman has vastly different taste than I do. Vastly. It is decorated all cutesy and pink and purple and froufy, which is just not my thing. But that can be fixed with paint. The main problem is that they’ve overpriced it by $20,000-$25,000. We could afford it, although it is at the top of our range, but the house is just not worth as much as they are asking for it. The realtor says all we can do is hope they don’t get any offers at that price, and then maybe make them an offer in the right price range next week. So, dear Internet, please keep your fingers crossed that no one else is willing to overpay for this house either! Or, alternatively, that another house in the same neighborhood will come on the market at the proper price. Preferably one without a lilac and floral master bathroom.


Monday, March 21, 2005

So I went to New York…

…and it was lovely. My friend Julie and I haven’t spent that much time hanging out just the two of us in years. Her son Ben is a sweet natured and adorable little boy. And after the hectic pace of the last couple of weeks, I desperately needed a couple of days to relax. As it turns out, life moves very differently for a woman who is still breastfeeding an infant every two hours. You just can’t do all that much. Plus, Julie’s husband Mark fell and fractured his ankle a couple of days before I arrived, so he wasn’t very mobile. So we gabbed, and played with the baby, and went for walks in the park – two parks actually, one of which was Flushing Meadow Park, where they have the US Open, and which has been the site of two World’s Fairs. My parents went to the 1964 World’s Fair there and it was a little odd to think of them, younger than I am now, walking in the same place I was walking. Oh, and we watched Harold and Kumar Go to WhiteCastle on their ginormous TV. It was, as you might expect, was an occasionally funny but mostly stupid stoner movie. We made it more fun by actually going to WhiteCastle following the movie (they had burgers, I had fries.)

The one lame part was that my cold was still in the picture. I was a little worried that it was Hideous Cold of Death II: The Recoldening, but I’ve come to the conclusion that it is just my original cold going for an overblown, extended heavy-metal type ending. So I’m back, mostly healthy, definitely relaxed and diving back into my week. Which will include: a visit to the fertility specialist, dinner with my dad, and a separate (and probably far more enjoyable) dinner with my friend Becky, house hunting, lots and lots of work and more. Right back into thick of things I go.


Wednesday, March 16, 2005

I feel better!

Finally, things are looking up. I’m slowly getting over the hideous cold of death. Monday I was possessed by an overwhelming urge to lie down all the time. This was fine at home – and for once my poor housekeeping skills paid off, as there was a convenient pile of clothes available when I actually did lie down on the floor at one point – but not so great at work. But now I am almost back to my old self. And just in time too, since I’m headed up to New York to see my friend Julie and meet her little boy Ben for the first time. It's going to be great.

In other good news, I have had time to adjust to the changes at work that had me completely freaked out, and I’ve realized everything is going to be ok. And in even better news, John’s mom got out of the hospital today. And finally, we have gotten all of our down payment money together, so the house buying process will really be getting moving as soon as I get back from New York.

Life is good. Yippee!


Sunday, March 13, 2005

Hideous cold of death

That’s what I’ve got. I think my immune system just threw up its hands and said “You are one stressed out cookie. I give up!” and then the cold germs blitzkrieged their way in and took over my body. The last few days have been a blur of DayQuil, massive amounts of nose blowing, visits to see my mother-in-law in the hospital (who is getting better) and sitting on the couch feeling like crap.

Yesterday I also managed to squeeze in lunch and spa time with Laila, who is struggling with her own strain of the cold of death. We went to lunch here, where we enjoyed crepes and their amazing pommes frites. We did not enjoy the service all that much – we think the waiter was trying to be snooty and French, but he actually just came across as not terribly efficient. And then we went here for massages and pedicures. Oh how I wish I could afford to have spa day on a regular basis (this spa day was a gift from Laila’s mom)! Particularly spa day with a Laila. It’s so much more fun when you have someone with whom you can debate whether or not you should wear your bra under your robe, to giggle in the hallway as you wait for a guy to clear out of the changing room, or to make fun of the ridiculous carousel dress in the Vanity Fair ad. And someone to discuss the spa people with. Like Laila’s gay male massage therapist who claimed he was “just like a woman” (nice try, but not really) and my excellent yet aggressively indifferent pedicurist, who seemed to want to pretend I wasn’t attached to the feet she was working on. Evil cold of death aside, it was a lovely day with one of my best friends and favorite people, which is in itself rejuvenating, even without the spa treatments.

Then this morning I had the bright idea that I wouldn’t take any cold medicine today. I would just let everything drain and I would feel so much better. Apparently the overwhelming flood of snot has finally started to affect my brain, because this is the hypothesis of an idiot. An idiot, I tell you! The only time I felt human all morning was when I was actually in the shower breathing in steam. The rest of the time? Complete and utter misery. So I chucked that plan and went back to my true love, DayQuil. I’m sorry DayQuil. I’ll never turn on you again.


Tuesday, March 08, 2005

I obviously need to work on my patience

As it turns out, my day picked up. The snow stopped, although it is 50 degrees colder out now than it was yesterday. You know what is sad? I am not exaggerating even a little bit in that sentence. It was 70 yesterday and it is 20 degrees out with a wind chill below zero right now. That is fucked up.

My boss took me out to lunch and talked me off the ledge about the huge organizational changes that had me so down. I still have my doubts, but I am trying to be positive.

My coworkers realized they forgot my birthday and made up for it with a hastily purchased – and delicious – chocolate mousse cake and singing.

My brother called to wish me a happy birthday.

My friend Laila called to wish me a happy birthday. She’s trying to arrange spa day for us this weekend. Preferably at a spa that includes Valium in their treatments.

The lovely Becky emailed me with birthday wishes, and plans to go out for lunch or dinner.

Many fine fellow bloggers commented or emailed to say happy birthday.

And my wonderful, wonderful husband bought groceries, picked up takeout (vegetable tempura sushi, yum!) and is walking the dog right now so that I don’t have to go out in the insane cold on my birthday. And as if that wasn’t enough, I got presents too.

And the rest of my evening involves plans to snuggle on the couch with John and Seamus and watch Deadwood. So perhaps I gave up on this birthday a little too early.


Top Ten Reasons This Birthday Sucks

(or Happy Fucking Birthday to me, the bitter version)

10. Yesterday it was 70 degrees out. Today, it’s snowing.
9. I have no lunch.
8. I have no car to use to go buy myself lunch.
7. I’ve crossed the line from early thirties to mid thirties.
6. My mom managed to work in a guilt trip and complaints about my father when she called to wish me happy birthday.
5. Everyone at work forgot my birthday. (edited to add: except for TZ, cause she’s awesome like that)
4. Everyone at work forgot my birthday because of huge organizational changes which I hate and which make me want to cry.
3. I have a headache and I’m exhausted.
2. While John’s mom’s surgery was a success, the recovery isn’t going so well. She will get better, but right now it is very stressful.
1. Did I mention it is snowing?


Friday, March 04, 2005

He's a prodigy, my boy is

A prodigy at destruction, that is. John’s mom had surgery today. For some reason, they make you get to the hospital insanely early when you have surgery, so we had to get up at 4:45 am to drive her to the hospital. It goes against everything I believe in to be up that early, unless I am still up from the night before – and now that I am old and boring, I never roll in as the sun comes up anymore. However, this morning did go better than when my dad had his bypass surgery. That time I walked into a tree branch while out with the dog and gave myself a black eye. It’s genetic. My mom pulled a thermos down on her face and gave herself a black eye that same morning. People thought we got into a fist fight.

But I digress. This post is actually about Mr. Seamus and what a destructive genius he is. I wish I could post a photo of him so you could see what a sweet, innocent little beagle boy he appears to be (and is, most of the time). And then I could post a photo of the carnage he is capable of producing. Because this morning we disrupted his routine, and he is not a happy little dog when we deviate from his usual schedule. We knew he’d be freaked out this morning, but he outdid himself this time. He got into the trash. He shredded a bunch of newspapers in a recycling bag. And then there was the piece de resistance. He figured out how to open the refrigerator door and pulled out some cheese and a piece of cheesecake and left them on the floor. Not exactly what I wanted to come home to, but at the same time, you have to be impressed by his ingenuity and intelligence.

Oh, and John’s mom is doing well. More tales of our hospital misadventures coming tomorrow, after I've had a chance to get some sleep. At least this time I didn't give myself a black eye.


Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Questions for the ages

I am so tired tonight. Just completely exhausted, because I woke up at 3:47 am and was up for at least an hour, wishing I could sleep. For your enjoyment, here are just a few of the questions I pondered as lay in my bed, bemoaning my sleepless fate.

Why is my right big toe so incredibly, ridiculously itchy?
Can you develop a raging case of athlete’s toe?
Or is my itchy toe a physical manifestation of my longing for spring? Could my toe be rebelling against shoes and socks and getting itchy to tell me it wants to be in sandals and slides again?
What the hell are the lyrics to that song “just checked in to see what condition my condition was in” about anyway?
Why does my left knee hurt? Is my body completely falling apart as I approach my 34th birthday?
Is that noise the lady downstairs snoring? Or is it the dog snoring?
Am I ever going to get back to sleep? How will I get back to sleep when all I can hear is that noise?
I wonder if lotion would help the toe?
Can I find the lotion without actually getting out of the bed or turning on a light? Ooh, I can.

From here my thoughts got more and more random, so I’ll spare you. Eventually I drifted back off to sleep, thank goodness. Hopefully the whole sleep process will go better tonight.