Bad Penguin

The big reveal

2005-07-20T20:47:00.000-04:00

I don't know if you remember or not, but way back in December I was talking about how I was going to move to MT and have my very own non-blogger site. Well, I kept getting distracted and diverted, and on top of that, I had no idea what I was doing. So I finally admitted to myself that I was never, ever doing to finish the site on my own, and begged the lovely and talented Zoot to help me.

And help me she did! You can now find me at my deluxe new digs, here.

Please go check it out. And then go tell Zoot what a fabulous job she did.

All hopped up on goofballs

2005-07-19T18:19:00.000-04:00

Or Vicodin, if you want to be all precise about it. Darth Tooth is no more (and now you can all breathe a sigh of relief that you won’t have to listen to me go on and on about it anymore!)

The oral surgeon’s office called me on Friday afternoon and said they’d had a cancellation for first thing Monday morning, would I like to take that appointment? So I checked with my boss, made sure John could drive me – “what the hell else would I be doing?” he asked – and said yes. And then went to the bathroom and got violently ill. I may have been just a little more anxious about the procedure than I wanted to admit.

I spent the weekend escaping with Harry Potter – I love, love the new book – I think it is my favorite since Prisoner of Azkaban! And then yesterday, bright and early, had my surgery, which went fine, at least from my point of view. They put the IV in, I went to sleep and when I woke up, the correct tooth had been extracted. It hurts, and I’m all puffy and swollen, but on the plus side, I get to eat all the pudding I want. And they sent me flowers from work, which was really nice.

The bad part is the Vicodin. I don’t know how anyone can get addicted to this stuff. It helps with the pain, but it also makes me sick to my stomach, dizzy, fuzzy-headed and itchy. Yesterday I realized I was having trouble keeping up with the plot of the silly trashy novel I bought specifically for post surgery reading. And today I tried to work from home, which didn’t go all that well. I got maybe five hours of work done and I had to take a nap in the middle of the day.

But I think the worst part is behind me. And I did get to spend two extra days at home with John and Seamus which is always nice. Maybe not so nice for them, since I’ve mostly been silly, sleeping or holding a ice pack to my face, but nice for me.

Darth Tooth: 53, Bad Penguin: 0

2005-07-14T22:49:00.000-04:00

Today was supposed to be the day that I got my bad tooth pulled, so it could never bother me again. And yet, it is still sitting there in my mouth, being all hurt-y and evil. Why? Because nothing with my teeth is ever simple.

I went in for my appointment with the oral surgeon, who was running late, of course. So I got to sit in the waiting room for 40 minutes or so getting more and more anxious. That’s always fun. There was a little more waiting once I got back into the room. And then the doctor came in, looked at my x-ray, and said it was infected, and fractured, and they couldn’t take it out today. He spent another ten minutes or so terrifying me, explaining that the tooth is going to break when they take it out, so they are going to have to dig pieces of it out of my bone, and that I really need to have anesthesia for that. It will be worse than having impacted wisdom teeth removed, he said. And that was all I needed to hear, because my wisdom teeth were impacted (naturally) and getting them removed was horrible.

So I agreed we’d do it with the anesthesia on Tuesday, went and got lunch and headed back to work. Kind of anti-climactic after getting myself all worked up, although I’ll have the whole weekend now to whip myself up into a frenzy of worry.

Oh, and getting the titanium tooth implant involves more surgery and costs $1,800 – just for the part the oral surgeon does! That doesn’t even cover the fake tooth they put in later. I wonder how much it would cost to get a gold tooth? I could pretend I was a pirate.

Midnight Confessions

2005-07-10T22:16:00.000-04:00

Well, really 10 p.m. confessions, but that doesn’t have the same ring to it as far as a title goes, does it? Anyway – want to know a secret?

I feel almost like I’m going to jinx something by saying this, but lately, I’m happy. Really, really happy. To the point where I’ve actually started wondering if something huge and bad is lurking around the corner, because everything is so good right now. I’m so in love with my husband, and it feels like our relationship gets stronger and better every day. Settling in to our home has given me a sense of peace and balance that I didn’t even know I was missing. And I just feel...good.

Of course, there are still things that worry me. My continuing infertility, for one, but I have to believe that is going to work out eventually. Work has been a bit of a challenge lately, but I’d rather be challenged than bored. My friend Laila moved back to San Francisco last week, and I miss her and her little boy Noah already. I miss Jules and Julie and Ariane and Mary Pat and wish they weren’t so far away, but I have friends here too. I’m still obsessing about whether or not to spend the money to get a laptop, and if I do, whether or not to spend the extra money to get a Powerbook. When I manage to look outside of my own petty concerns, I get down about the state of the world – children starving to death every three seconds, bombs going off in London, bombs going off in Iraq every day, which no one seems to care about at all.

Even so, underneath it all, I’m happy. And I guess I wanted to acknowledge it here, to say to you, to the universe, to whomever – I recognize what I have, and I’m grateful.

A Sudden Change in the Weather

2005-07-05T22:23:00.000-04:00

This morning, I, Bad Penguin, notorious hater of mornings, actually got up and exercised before work. I didn’t whack myself in the head with a hand weight or anything, and I felt very virtuous all day!

It went so well that I’m going to do it again tomorrow morning.

I do feel a little bad about that blizzard that hit Hell today though. Those poor bastards never saw that coming.

Vive le week-end!

2005-07-03T17:15:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the looong interval with no posting – work has been crazy with a capital “K” lately. I’ve been getting home so late there’s mostly only been time for dinner, a quick walk with the hound, and then half an hour of lying on the couch moaning at John before I head off to bed.

But now the weekend is here, and I’m feeling relaxed, refreshed and rejuvenated! It’s been a good couple of days. Yesterday I had a lovely lunch with the Cactus-Fishes, who are every bit as fun, funny and nice in person as you’d expect them to be from their sites. I was worried that it would be a little awkward, meeting online people in the real world, but I really enjoyed it. Hopefully they had as much fun as I did.

Then I hit the outlet mall, which was insanely crowded, and not as bargain-filled as I had hoped it would be. When I go to the outlet mall, I want deals, not $137 shoes and $700 coffee tables – Cole Haan, Restoration Hardware – I’m looking in your direction. I did manage to find a pair of curtains that are almost the same shade of green as my comforter cover, so my bedroom is finally blessedly dark. According to John, “it’s like the Bat Cave in there.” Bat Cave is what I was going for. Hopefully now Seamus will stop waking up as soon as the sun comes up.

I got home in time to catch some of the best acts at Live8, including the Who and most excitingly, Pink Floyd. I called that they would play Money, and John accurately predicted that they would play Wish You Were Here. Amazingly, MTV even managed to hold off on breaking in and ruining it until the very end! It was very cool to see.

Today we’ve been focusing on getting house stuff done. We finally found the right combination of furniture for the basement, so we’ve been assembling and rearranging stuff in the family room. It’s really coming together, and is actually a usable room now! Before it was mostly full of piles of books and you had to sit on the floor, or perch on the corner of the couch. Now we just have to find a coffee table and a china cabinet and the house will be pretty much set, furniture-wise.

The best part of this weekend though, is the extra day. Instead of work, tomorrow I’ll do some more relaxing, and then head down to my mom’s for a cookout in the early afternoon. Except she told me this morning that she doesn’t feel like scrubbing the grill, so she’s going to make pasta instead. So it is really more of a 4th of July pasta dinner, I guess. Doesn’t matter. Just so long as I get that extra day off!

I think my body is messing with me

2005-06-23T22:14:00.000-04:00

It keeps finding new ways to be infertile. Every time I think we must have solved the problem, my body finds a way to confound me.

Intermittent ovulation? Solution: Clomiphene.

Only responding on the side with the blocked fallopian tube? Why, Follistim will take care of that – and how!

Crappy cervical mucus? Meet my friend IUI, which allows me to bypass you altogether.

And now my doctor thinks I have some sort of progesterone production deficiency. Thank you, body, for thwarting me at every turn. What the hell did I ever do to you?

The one benefit to being pessimistic is that I was not surprised that I am not pregnant. Frustrated and disappointed, sure, but not surprised. The doctor thinks I should a break from all of the medications etc…this month, and I have to admit, I’m kind of glad. Not that I’m giving up or anything. We’ll try again in August. And again and again until we’re successful. But for now, I could use a little rest from the extra hormones and having to think about my fertility all of the damn time.

Plus it will give me the chance to deal with the return of Darth Tooth.

Remember Darth Tooth? Back in December, I went to the dentist and had to have half of my fillings replaced, and get new fillings done, and there was all this talk of the removal of my bad tooth and titanium tooth implants and so on? Well, I went back to get my teeth cleaned recently and told the dentist ol’ Darth had given me a twinge or two recently, so they took an x-ray and compared it to the one they took in December. And here’s what I heard next: “Oh my God! I have never seen a tooth disintegrate that completely that quickly.”

Great. So I have to get Darth extracted. 80% of which will be covered by my insurance. Unfortunately, 0% of the titanium tooth implant is covered. Plus, the slightly less evil tooth next to Darth – let’s call it Governor Tarkin, to stick with the Star Wars theme – (God, I’m a geek) has to have a crown lengthening and a new crown put on. If you don‘t know what a crown lengthening is, rejoice! If you do, you have my sympathies. And I have to submit x-rays to my insurance company to prove I need the crown lengthening before they’ll pay for it. Like they have some problem with people having that procedure done for fun all the damn time.

The weird thing is, I’m ok with all of this. There isn’t anything I can do about it, and I’ve decided not to let it bother me. I just hope I can keep the positive feeling going.

Random Bits

2005-06-15T22:20:00.000-04:00

From my new, extended daily commute:

• I wish someone would invent a “evap-o-ray” so that I could zap people who insist on sitting in the left lane going 60 mph in a 65 mph zone. I don’t want to kill them or anything. I just want the ability to forcefully get them the fuck out of my way.

• Why is it that so many of the drivers who are jerks seem to be driving Acura MDX’s? I find this highly amusing as someone I used to know who turned out to be a total jerk drives one.

On the celebrity blogger front:

• I recently discovered that one of my favorite writers, Laurie R. King has a blog. I’ll never be as good a writer as she is, but please notice that at least I can pick the same template as she can!

• Moby also has an online journal that I enjoy. Of course, by being a famous musician, he automatically has more interesting things to write about than I do. I can almost guarantee that I’ll never be posting about spending an evening in a bar in a Russian hotel partying with the guys from Jackass. Not that I would turn them down if they called me – they look like they know how to have a good time. They just won’t be calling!

News from infertility-world:

• I’m considerably poorer after spending a fortune on Clomid, Follistim and hcg. I’m covered in bruises from all the bloodwork I’ve had done and the joy of learning how to give myself shots (really, not as bad as I thought it would be) and just waiting to see if any of this worked. If it did, great, it was worth every penny and every bruise. I’m not feeling very positive though. I don’t have anything to base my negativity on, but that’s how I’m feeling.

And finally, a wee survey:

• I’m thinking of buying myself a laptop. And I was considering getting a Mac. Does anyone have an opinion on iBook vs. Powerbook? The Powerbooks seem awfully expensive – do I really need one, or can I get by with the iBook? Or should I not get a Mac at all? HP has some pretty decent prices, and our desktop, which I like, is an HP. Please feel free to leave a comment or drop me an email with your opinion.

Pros and cons of country living

2005-06-12T22:49:00.000-04:00

My new home, which I love by the way, is quite a bit farther out from the city than I’ve ever lived before. For the most part, I like it, but I am going to have to do some adjusting.

There are a lot fewer people out here for one thing. Which has its benefits, like less noise and light pollution, more green space, and a lot less crowding. I can go to Target on Saturday afternoon and not have to fight for a parking space, push my way past people to get down the aisles, and or stand in line forever to check out.

It is beautiful around here. As I walk around my new neighborhood with Seamus, I have multiple views of the mountains in the distance. Just the other night I discovered that we can see the fireworks displays that they put on at the minor league baseball stadium. And we’re right on the edge of all of the development, so if we drive for five minutes or so, there’s nothing but farmland and parkland, which is a welcome change from Rockville Pike.

And, of course, there’s just the plain old joy of homeownership. John and I are convinced that we live in the best neighborhood around, and every day we find something else we like about our place.

However, there are some drawbacks. The commute, while not horrendous just yet, is long, and can get quite trafficky. That’s no fun, particularly for a person who has had a 15 minute commute for the last five years.

Those checkout counters where I don’t have to wait in line? Are staffed by people who want to have conversations with me and make comments about my items. That keeps throwing me for a loop. And if there are any people in line, it takes forever because of all the chit chat!

Hummus seems to be an exotic foreign food. None of the grocery stores have it. Whole Foods and Trader Joes are something like 30 miles away. There are no Thai restaurants, although I believe there are two Indian restaurants for us to try. One of the main attractions at the community picnic was the gun safety presentation. Not that I don’t think gun safety is important (if you have a gun, you’d damn well better know how not to shoot yourself or someone else by accident), but for someone like me, it is a whole different culture where that is a focus along with the moonbounce and the snocones.

Adjustments aside though, I love it here. No regrets. Not a one. Even if I do have to learn to make small talk with cashiers.

What kind of tree would you be?

2005-06-05T16:55:00.000-04:00

So, days ago Bluepoppy had this idea where she would interview people, and they would answer her questions on their blogs and then they would, in turn, interview people who asked to be interviewed, and so on. And I was all eager “pick me! Interview me!” and then I did nothing with the questions she sent me for days, because I am lame. Also, I got lost in a huge stack of boxes in my dining room and couldn’t find my way back to the computer for a couple of days. But, without further ado, here are my Bluepoppy questions and my answers. If you want to play, I’ve posted the official rules at the end.

1. What was your best movie experience ever?
This is actually a very tough question to answer. I couldn’t decide if it meant what is the best movie I’ve ever seen, or what is the best time I’ve ever had at the movies. And really, those are two very different things. Plus, I’m not sure that the best movie I’ve ever seen is. I can’t pick just one. But my favorite movie memory is probably of the first time I ever went to the movies. It is one of my earliest memories too, although not the earliest. My mom took me and my best friend Suzie Gallagher to see a theater release of Snow White (we didn’t have VCRs back in the Stone Age – they came along a few years later) and I remember being so awed by the whole experience. It was magical and exciting, and Snow White was beautiful and everyone sang songs and the evil witch was defeated by the dwarves. Plus, they showed a little short before the main feature about a girl stuck in an avalanche, and her name was Suzie, just like my best friend! So cool. See, Disney movies aren’t always scarring to the developing psyche of a little girl.

2. If you could go back in time to visit a different time/place,
where would you go and why? And, how long would you stay there?
Paris in the 1880’s-1890’s. There was so much happening – the Eiffel Tower, the building of the Metro, the art scene, the writers, the political thinkers. As for how long I would stay…I don’t know. It would all depend on how much I missed my regular life, I suppose. Or how dirty and smelly 19th century Europe was. I do like my modern conveniences.

3. What's your favorite curse word? Consarnit! No, not really. Fuck, probably. It’s just an all around reliable standard curse word. Although you should never underestimate the value of a good “rats!”

4. What are 3 classes you wish you had taken either in high school or college? A lit class. I don’t know as much about the classics as I should. Definitely some sort of media or film class, although they didn’t offer all that much in that area of study when I was at Wellesley. I hear they’ve changed that now. And this isn’t really a class, but it is a school-related regret – I really wish I had done a semester abroad when I was in college. I think I missed out by staying at school for the whole four years.

5. What do you think this country (USA) will look like 30 years from now?
My answer to this one really depends on the day. Sometimes it feels like we’re headed toward some Margaret Atwood Handmaid’s Tale type future, where the conservatives have restricted everyone’s lives to fit their narrow world view. A world where the environment is trashed, resources are scarce, women, gays and religious minorities are oppressed and the rich live obscenely profligate and irresponsible lives. Where America is a truly fascist country that is hated by the rest of the planet and contributes nothing to the betterment of humankind. That’s on my more pessimistic days.

And then other days I think that we can only do better from here. I’d like to believe that we can get back to a place where Americans are the good guys again. Where we are a force for peace in the world, and provide a positive model for change. Where we have an open and innovative society – a society that values and cares for all of its members. Of course, sometimes I’m a little overly optimistic.

Then again, in 30 years, I may have given up and moved to Canada.

The Official Interview Game Rules
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Moved

2005-05-30T21:44:00.000-04:00

We’re officially homeowners! And we’ve finally – finally! – gotten all of our crap out of our old place and into the new one. I’m smelly, covered in bruises and scrapes, and completely exhausted…but I’m also so very happy. I love our new house. I love our new neighborhood. I love everything. Except moving. I’m done with that, please.

The last five days have been quite an adventure. The whole closing thing went fine, although I have to admit I was convinced that something was going to go wrong right up until the last minute. I was so relieved that when we were driving home from the settlement, I actually started crying! And then the moving began. All I’ll say about that is this:

1. There may have been an incident involving a U-Haul cargo van getting stuck in the mud. An incident followed by a frantic call to a tow truck guy who said “Where are you? Oh, Blahblah Rd. You tried to drive down behind the apartments there, didn’t you? Yeah, I’ve been there before.” All hail Bill, the tow truck guy, who saved the day.

2. We got movers for the furniture. It was a little weird, because you just sit there and watch them do all the work. It was also awesome, because you just sit there and watch them do all the work! Next time, we’re getting movers for everything.

3. Thank goodness for my family. They make me crazy sometimes, but they really came through for us this weekend. We’d probably still be down at the old place cleaning and hauling stuff out of it if it weren’t for all the help my family gave us over the last few days. I’d be on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and John would probably be ready to run away and live in a cave.

4. If the person who left a message on my voicemail at my new phone number reads this, I’m not ignoring you! I told Verizon I didn’t want voicemail. They set it up anyway. I don’t have the number or the code to check the messages, and Verizon doesn’t provide customer service on the weekends. I’ll get it tomorrow, I promise!

Setting a whole new standard

2005-05-23T21:33:00.000-04:00

For being clumsy, that is. Not incoherent rambling, although you may have wondered what I was smoking when I wrote that last post. But no, I was neither drunk nor stoned. I was just really, really tired. Complete and utter exhaustion – the cheapest high of them all.

What was I talking about again? Oh yes, my clumsiness. I believe I have mentioned from time to time that I am not particularly coordinated. That despite years and years of ballet, I am not particularly graceful in every day life. How when my bridesmaids and best friends were telling their favorite Hillary stories just before my wedding, it turned into “my favorite time Hillary fell down.” And how I fall down the three stairs in my condo on such a regular basis that it isn’t even remarkable anymore.

Well, I found a way to take it to a new level. On Saturday afternoon, I fell up the stairs. Yep. Up the stairs. You may not have known that was even possible, but let me tell you, it is. I was carrying an armful of magazines and papers to put in a box in the bedroom and something went horribly wrong. It happened so fast that I didn’t even have time to drop the magazines and put out my hands, so I bruised my chest, bit my tongue and really hurt my foot. I was so stunned I just lay there crying for a minute, while Seamus looked at me anxiously.

Eventually I got up. I was really hungry and I had just made lunch, so I sat on the couch eating macaroni and cheese and crying. I must have looked so pathetic. Luckily, John was off taking our 16 trillionth load of trash to the dump, so I was here by myself.

By the time he got back though, my foot had really started hurting. About two hours after I fell, I couldn’t walk. By the third hour, I was pretty sure I had broken my something. However, we just didn’t have six hours to spend at the emergency room, so I decided to wait until I could track down my mom (a former nurse.) She said to put ice on it and elevate it and see how I was on Sunday. And it turns out it is just a bad bruise or sprain. Today I was even able to cram my foot in a shoe and take Seamus for a very slow and careful walk. Hopefully I’ll make it through the rest of the move without losing any limbs. Seriously, who the hell falls up the stairs?

The official blog anniversary post

2005-05-20T22:47:00.000-04:00

John is being quite insistent that I have to write something new on my actual blogiversary instead of just saying that it is coming up. I wouldn't want to be improper!

And it actually did occurr to me that I should explain that this is the anniversary of when I started my first blog, Hilldery. It's still out there, but I moved here to Bad Penguin after I got outed at work and ran into a little trouble. I know there's a good chance some people from work followed me here, but at least I have the illusion that they aren't reading.

And I never talk specifically about work anymore. I learned that lesson.

Anyway, I've officially observed the anniversary now, right? Now it is bedtime for bad penguin.

There's just not enough time!

2005-05-19T23:18:00.000-04:00

I’m insanely busy at work.

I’m ridiculously busy at home.

I don’t have time to write.

I don’t have time to read or comment on anyone else’s blog.

I don’t even have any time to call or email my friends.

And today I was completely derailed by an effective time management seminar at work. Don’t you just love the irony?

But, tonight John was discussing one of his favorites, Maddox, with my brother, and said to me “he’s like you, he hasn’t posted in forever” which I took as a hint. Plus, tomorrow is my one year blogiversary. I couldn’t let that go by! I can’t believe it has been a whole year already. Blogging has turned out to be so much more than I ever thought it would be. I’ve “met” so many interesting, friendly and supportive people. Seriously, check out my blogroll. There are some amazingly talented and creative individuals out there, and my contact with them has definitely enhanced my life. I hope I’ve contributed something worthwhile here and there along the way.

Anyway, the insanity will end soon, and I’ll be back to my old self again. This time next week, we’ll officially be homeowners. We’ll be getting ready to spend our last night in the apartment before the movers come. It’s almost here!

Blast from the past

2005-05-08T23:19:00.000-04:00

So mostly, I’ve been working. If I’m not working, I’m packing, And if I’m not packing, I’m knitting that blanket for my new niece. Then there’s the fun of running to the doctor every 15 minutes so she can check how I’m responding to the medicine (so far, so good), worrying about moving details and fending off my landlord, who wants to start showing the place to prospective buyers. Which he really doesn’t want to do until we fix the huge holes that Seamus dug in the carpet and wall next to the door. Except, of course, he doesn’t know about the huge holes, because why would we tell him about them?

I also managed to fit in a little Mother’s Day celebration with my mom. I took her to brunch at this restaurant she likes. And while we were there, who should I see but my unattainable high school crush, Will L. When I first realized who it was, I actually got that flustery, excited feeling in my stomach for about 7 seconds, before I remembered that a) I’m not 14 anymore and b) I’m not interested, seeing as how I’m happily married and all. I guess it was just a knee-jerk reaction. I hadn’t thought of him in years! He looked pretty much the same, and yet at the same time he didn’t. He had a little boy with him, so I guess he’s a dad. It’s so weird to think of the uber-cool, punk-rock rebel guy I knew as just another suburban dad taking his wife to Clyde’s for Mother’s Day.

My mom thought I should go over and say hi, but I didn’t want to. I have nice memories of the guy. He must have known I had a crush on him, but he was never a jerk about it. In fact, in some ways, his influence on me in my impressionable years (bad boy upperclassman, creative guy, musician) must have predisposed me to think favorably of John (slightly older, definite bad boy, creative guy, former lead singer in a band, and better looking to boot). Anyway, I figured why ruin those memories for two minutes of awkward conversation? So I stayed at my table. I do feel a wave of high school nostalgia coming on though.

Happenings

2005-05-02T22:56:00.000-04:00

I wish I had time to post separately about all of these topics, but I don’t. Perhaps I should switch to the Television Without Pity style where I give you short recaps right away and then post a longer writeup later! Anyway, here are just a few of the events of the last few days.

1. My niece has arrived! No, I have not finished knitting her baby blanket yet. I have, however, purchased one very adorable outfit for her and a Winnie the Pooh racing car set for my nephew. My niece’s name is Josephine Nora Marguerite, and she was born weighing 8 pounds, 4 ounces in the middle of a snowstorm in Colorado last week. My poor sister-in-law went to the hospital in labor, got sent home because her contractions slowed down, and then barely made it back in time to have Josephine in the hospital. It sounds like it was quite scary at times, but it all turned out ok in the end. And my sister-in-law has a hell of a birth story to tell now.

2. John and I bought couches for our new living room. I have learned that furniture salesmen (and women) can be quite scary. You walk in the store, and they swoop down like vultures! The guy who got our business had really good prices and left us the fuck alone so we could make up our minds. Our new couches aren’t very exciting looking, but they are nice and comfortable. Now we’re on to discussing paint colors. That’s where I will get to be bold.

3. Laila and I went to dinner and to see the movie Sin City. That is one sick and disturbing movie. I have seen some fairly twisted and violent movies in my time, but this one had several scenes that really got to me. I didn’t hate it, but I kind of wish I hadn’t seen it. Also, Elijah Wood’s character seriously creeped me out. I hope this doesn’t ruin the Lord of the Rings movies for me.

4. I learned that fertility drugs are not covered by insurance. Was it naïve for me to think they would be? I don’t know. I think they should be, but then again, I’m one of those crazy pinko types who believe we should have socialized medicine. Not only are the drugs not covered, they are damn expensive. So everybody please root for my left ovary to respond to the drugs. That’s L-E-F-T. I’m working on some sort of left ovary gang sign people can flash to encourage it to respond – I’ll let you know how that works out.

Also, just in case we can’t depend on the left ovary, has anyone used drugstore.com? Their prices for the same drugs are quite a bit lower than my local pharmacy, and I’d like to be prepared for next time.

5. And finally, I took the “what type of Jedi are you?” quiz, and I am happy to announce that I am a Yoda-like Jedi Master. Not Yoda though. I’m short, but not that short – and not green. May the force be with you all.

What I've been doing instead of posting like I should

2005-04-26T23:03:00.000-04:00

• Working. My job does keep me busy, and I’ve recently taken on a new project.

• Shopping for our new living room. So far we’ve established that couches cost more than we thought they would and that I think leather couches smell yucky. At least we’ve managed to purchase one new item – a nice big TV.

• Having a surprise endometrial biopsy. Surprise! I wonder if those words have ever been used together before. I thought I was there to discuss treatment plans, which I was, but we also did the biopsy.

• Sorting through books and other items to decide what we’re keeping (and packing and moving) and what we’re selling or giving away. There’s still a lot to be done.

• Researching and booking movers. Wow, there are a lot of scary stories about moving out there! But I’m using a company that two people at work have used successfully, so hopefully our move will go ok.

• Knitting up a storm. My sister-in-law is due to go into labor any second now, and the blanket for my niece isn’t even halfway finished. I really wish I could knit faster.

• Hanging out with Laila and Noah. Noah has learned my name and yells it out when he sees me. That gives me a nice feeling. I will really miss them when they go back to San Francisco.

And I’m sure I’ll only get busier from here, since moving day is just one month away. Let the countdown begin!

So that’s the kind of mom I’ll be

2005-04-19T22:57:00.000-04:00

Seamus and I go for a walk at about the same time every morning. We see the same group of dogs every day. Some of the dogs are Seamus’ friends – McGruff the hound, a really sweet Chesapeake Bay retriever, a lab mix walked by a woman I call bag patrol (she’s completely obsessed with whether or not people are picking up after their dogs). Other dogs, he doesn’t like so much. There’s the little yippy white dog he wants to eat. The Great Dane who Seamus loves, but who doesn’t like him.

And then there’s Jasmine. She’s a black lab mix who hates pretty much every dog she meets, except for Seamus. She just loves Seamus, so her owner always wants to bring her over to say hello. The owner is trying very hard to socialize Jasmine properly and give her positive reinforcement. And Seamus likes her ok, but every once in a while, I get the feeling he’s saying “But she’s dorky. Why do I have to play with her?”

And I just make him say hello anyway, because it is the nice thing to do. I'm sure I'll do the same thing to my kids too, and make them hang out with the misfits and the underdogs. Is that mean? Will it be like Marge making Bart hang out with Raplh Wiggum on the Simpsons? Because I think the misfits and the underdogs are frequently more interesting than everyone else, and I'd like to enoucourage my (I know, currently non-existent ) children to give everyone a chance.

My friend Leo

2005-04-15T00:01:00.000-04:00

A sad anniversary.

When I got the call from Jules’ office, my first thought was that they were calling to tell me that she had lost the baby and needed me. But I was wrong. So very wrong. Instead, I heard words I couldn’t bring myself to believe: Leo killed himself this morning. He shot himself in his car.

Leo was my friend Jules’ fiancé, soul mate and best friend. She met him two weeks after I convinced her to move down to DC with me from Boston. I didn’t want to like him. In fact, I was pretty resentful of him at first, because she fell for him hard, and all of a sudden there was this guy who was always in my house.

Little by little though, he won me over. He was just so damn charming, and sweet and funny. He would tease me and call me his B.B. (butt buddy) because I’ve got a bit of an ass, and he was an ass man. I would tease him about the fact that we met him at Tracks (a gay club). We were both Redskins fans, although I couldn’t come close to his knowledge of football. He loved PlayStation and the Harry Potter books. He was raised a Baptist (and a full-on Southern Baptist at that) but he also believed in reincarnation. And he had the greatest laugh. You couldn’t resist Leo when he laughed.

But when he was down, he was really, really down. I knew of at least one other time that he tried to kill himself. Jules and I had even talked about how worried she was about how depressed he had been. I guess we couldn’t conceive of him actually doing it. He was so excited about the baby on the way, and he had told her he would get help, for his own sake, for her sake, and for their baby’s sake. But for some reason, on that day he gave up.

I don’t know quite how to express what it is like to realize that someone you care about has chosen not to exist anymore. It’s like getting punched so hard you can’t breathe, while adrenaline rushes through your body like you’re about to go over a cliff. You can’t sit still. You want to go rushing out to change things, to fix things, to undo the undoable somehow. You’re sad. You’re hurt. And you’re angry. But of course, there isn’t anything you can do.

To anyone who ever has a friend that they are worried about, I say – don’t hesitate. Don’t worry about hurting their feelings. Don’t think they won’t follow through. If you think your friend needs help, get it for them. Better safe than sorry.

And to anyone who has ever considered suicide, I say this: Don’t. Just please, get help. Don’t think that the people you leave behind will be better off without you. What they’ll be is sad, and angry and bewildered and left trying to fill the gaping hole where you should be. I’ve been horribly depressed. There was a time in my life when I thought, well, someday I might decide I’m tired of living like this. But instead I got help, and my life got better. I wish I had talked to Leo about that more, about how life is so completely different when you come of out of a depression, it’s like you’re a different person. I don’t know if it would have made a difference or not. When you’re in that hole, it is awful hard to see out.

So instead all I can say to Leo now is, I wish you were here. I miss you. We all do. It is devastatingly sad that you never got to meet your son Malcolm, to see how wonderful he is. And equally as sad that he will only ever know you through our stories. You should see what an amazing mom Jules is, and the life she’s built for herself and Malcolm. I’m sorry that life got so hard you couldn’t go on, and that we couldn’t help you. That you didn’t know that we all would have done whatever it took to help you. I hope with all my being that your next life is one of much joy and peace, and no pain.

The all TV post

2005-04-13T22:45:00.000-04:00

Look! A post that is not about my new house or my fertility. Dedicated to my dear husband John, who is even now ferrying his extremely British cousin Gerard back to his hotel in Georgetown as I lounge around on the couch in my pajamas. I would be busily reading other people’s blogs or checking email, except that for some reason about half of the Internet appears to be down.

So instead, the post that John has been bugging me to write about our new favorite show, Deadwood. Have you seen it? I’m sure it is not to everyone’s taste. First of all, it is a western. That threw me off for a little while and I thought I wouldn’t enjoy it. I was wrong! Second, it is violent. Seriously violent. And dirty. Not sexy dirty – literally dirty. I find myself wishing that the characters would just grab a washcloth from time to time, thinking for the love of God, just wipe the dirt off your face! And the swearing! Wow, is there a lot of swearing in this show. I had no idea there were so many ways to use the words “fucker,” “c*cksucker” and “c#nt” in dialogue. Swearing aside, the show is very well written. I’m always surprised when we get to the end of an episode because I get that caught up in the story.

And the characters are actually multi-dimensional, which is a nice change for TV. One of the main characters is the saloon owner who runs the town – Al Swearengen. When you first see him, you think, ok, obvious bad guy. He’s got a million scams going. He orders people killed. He beats up one of his whores because she shoots a customer who was hurting her. But then bit by bit, they reveal more about him. He saved a crippled woman from a terrible fate and hired her to cook and clean in the saloon. He shows mercy and compassion for the minister who has seizures. He is actually looking out for the town of Deadwood even as he looks out for himself.

The main good guy, Bullock, has layers too (like an onion). Yes, he’s all noble and sheriff-y, but he also cheats on his wife, and takes other actions he later regrets. He’s got the greatest clench and stare-down since Clint Eastwood. But even the lesser characters are really well-drawn. Swearengen’s main henchman, Dan (a Ronnie Van Zandt lookalike) had some great lines. And the weasely hotel owner/mayor of Deadwood (who was in Blade Runner and had two brothers named Darryl on Newhart) is just appalling in his underhandedness and scheming, but you also feel sorry for him sometimes. The actress playing Calamity Jane is awesome. So are the actors who portray the town doctor, the prospector Ellsworth, Bullock’s business partner Sol and Trixie the whore who wants to become a bookkeeper.

I’ve already said way more than I meant to about this show. See, that’s how good it is. I was also going to talk about my growing addiction to Television Without Pity and how I’m still pissed off about them killing Boone off on Lost. But I’ve already gone on for long enough.

Edited to add: This was written Tuesday night, before I realized that blogger was one of the many, many sites I could not access.

Good News/Bad News

2005-04-10T22:44:00.000-04:00

All is well with the house. It passed the extremely thorough inspection with flying colors! And we locked in the interest rate on our mortgage. Now we’re looking for new living room furniture.

On the reproductive front, I had an HSG test, where they shoot dye into your reproductive system and take an x-ray to look for trouble. There are people all over the internet who say it is very painful, but I didn’t think it was that bad.

It was still unsettling though. My doctor was late, of course. Then the techs got snippy with each other. Then the radiologist came in, and started barking orders and muttering– turn to the left, lift your hip, I can’t see, that’s just spillage, push more dye in, your right fallopian tube is blocked. Push more dye in, yep, the right side is completely blocked.

Wait, what?

And then my doctor says “the preliminary results show your right fallopian tube is blocked. We’ll talk about the final results tomorrow.” And leaves, along with the radiologist. Which left me alone on the table, feeling just a little bewildered.

So naturally, I went straight back to my office and spent the next hour looking up “blocked fallopian tube” on the internet, which was a mistake and a half. According to the Internet:
a) my only hope of getting pregnant is IVF

b) no, no, now I won’t need any treatment, because the dye from the HSG will have blasted open any blockage and I’ll get pregnant in the next three months

c) I have to have a laparoscopy to get the tube unblocked.

d) Recovery from said laparoscopy will take a) 3-4 hours, b) 3 to 4 days, or c) 3 to 4 weeks

e) No, what I need is Clomid (ok, I can maybe see this helping me, with my one open tube)

f) Actually the best treatment is IUI ( I really don’t get that one)

g) No, I should go with this non-invasive treatment that will magically unblock the fallopian tube

Sometimes the internet is not your friend. And do you know what the worst part is? I still don’t have any answers. I went to see the doctor to go over all of the results from the eleventy-bajillion tests we’ve done recently. I waited forever, and finally had to leave without getting to talk to her because we had to go to the house inspection. So frustrating! I’ll track her down this week, but thank goodness I’m still riding that house-buying high, or I would have been a wreck the last few days.

Cash for Coleen

2005-04-05T22:33:00.000-04:00

Cash for Coleen

The lovely Coleen over at Hussified is participating in the Breast Cancer 3-Day. She’ll be walking 60 miles in three days to raise money for breast cancer research, education, screening and treatment. 60 miles in three days! It’s a lot of work, and she has to raise a lot of money ($2,500!), so she turned to the internet for a little fundraising help. So please, if you’ve got any cash to spare and are looking for a great cause to support, consider donating some money to Coleen and the Philadelphia Breast Cancer 3-Day.

To get the full story on why Coleen is participating, click here.

House!

2005-04-04T23:03:00.000-04:00

We did it! I am so excited this post might not even be coherent, but just as I was convinced we had no chance, our offer on a house was accepted. A house right on the very same street as the one we liked so much last week. It’s thrilling. And a little terrifying, but wahoo! We actually put our offer in on Friday, and they said we’d have an answer on Saturday, and then the sellers kept stalling and stalling and even my realtor thought we weren’t going to get the house. And then this afternoon another house in that neighborhood listed at a price over our absolute highest limit, and I thought, well, that’s it, started composing a post in my head with the working title Fucking DC Real Estate and began looking up new listings in other neighborhoods.

But instead, it turns out we got the house! They made us wait until 10 pm, but we got it and it is so awesome. It has a breakfast nook off the kitchen that is all windows, and a deck and a fireplace and a little fenced yard where Seamus can go off the leash. And it backs up to a common area, and has trees to block the road and is right next to a park. The only thing I don’t like about it is the wallpaper in the living room, and that’s just two walls. And possibly the paint in the master bath. John is already planning the move, and I'm...well, I'm pretty much just bouncing up and down like a little kid.

I don’t know how I’m ever going to get to sleep tonight. Yay!

Tidbits

2005-03-31T22:50:00.000-05:00

• I owe all of you huge thank-yous. The comments, emails and in Laila’s case, phone call and shopping therapy plan, that I received in response to my last post were wonderful. Your support gave me the boost I desperately needed. For now, I’m just going to focus on the diagnostics, and try not to freak out so much about what comes next. So, thank you. You all rock!

• Speaking of infertility, ancient Chinese wisdom may hold the answer to my problems. I went out dinner with my friend Becky on Tuesday night and got this fortune “You are a happy man.” Now there’s an angle we hadn’t considered – that I’m actually a man, baby.

• The house I liked so much sold. Sigh. The good news is another house on the same street just went on the market. We’re going to go see it tomorrow at lunch time, along with two others in the same basic area. It’s nerve wracking, but exciting too.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Stuck at denial and anger

2005-03-28T23:33:00.000-05:00

There are these stages of grief that people go through when they get bad news. They are denial, anger, bargaining and acceptance. I think there might be one more, but I can’t remember what it is right now. Ok, I just checked (thank you, Google), and the missing stage is depression. Hey, I’ve got that one covered too! Anyway, I had my third visit with the fertility specialist today. I hadn’t wanted to go to a specialist. I kept putting it off, thinking, well, we didn’t time things right at first because I didn’t know that I ovulate late (true) and besides that, I don’t ovulate every single month (also true) and maybe this month, this time, I’ll get pregnant (sadly, not true). But my friends kept urging me to go. At least you’ll know if something is wrong, they said. And after the first visit, I did feel good. I felt like I was taking action – doing something to make this whole baby thing happen.

But after that something changed. And this where the denial comes in, I guess. I had it in my head that I’d go in there and she’d say “Oh, you’ll be fine. Here, have some Clomid.” I was even prepared for something along the lines of “Hey tubby, why don’t you try losing 20 lbs. You’ll have much better luck.” But instead it’s all “did anyone ever mention you might have uterine fibroids” and “I’m concerned about your right ovary” and test after test after test and I hate every fucking minute of it. When she says I’m a good candidate for IUI, I just want to cry. Or possibly scream. It’s all moving so fast, and part of me just wants to stop. To say never mind, and simply go back to having sex each month and hoping for the best.

And then I wonder, what the hell is wrong with me? I desperately want to have children, so why am I so reluctant to do all of this? Why do I resent having to go to the doctor and doing some tests? My husband (usually the negative one in the marriage) can look at it and say, just keep in mind that there’s a baby at the end of all of this. Why can’t I do that? In the end, I suppose it comes down to this: Some part of me still hopes I’ll get to have sex with my husband and get pregnant, just like a normal person. And the rest of me is pissed off that it might not/probably won’t happen that way.